10 Things Learned in my Second Term at University
1. Never mix red and white wine, especially not whilst congratulating yourself on not mixing wine and spirits and concluding that you can drink twice as much as a result.
2. Screaming is not the answer.
3. People are much nicer to me than I deserve, and extraordinarily patient. I'd have thrown me out of a window long ago.
4. Lambrini girls do not have more fun. Lambrini girls embarrass themselves in public.
5. Ducks love Skips.
6. People in general are kinder than I give them credit for.
7. Being nocturnal is bad. Very, very bad.
8. My bipolar can be relied upon to always kick in at the worst possible time - ie. when I have something important to do.
9. Successful sex is near impossible. So many things can go wrong.
10. Most people lie most of the time.
5 Things to Learn in my Third Term at University
1. What's the point of flavoured condoms? And why do they call it a blow job when you don't blow?
2. Who was it who said one day, "See that cow over there? I'm gonna squeeze the pink things underneath it and drink what comes out!"? And why did everyone say, "What a jolly good idea!" rather than, "Ugh, you pervert!"?
3. How much undiluted vodka can I drink in one go?
4. After exams, can I live a work-free, hippy lifestyle and be groovy and happy, drinking Pimms on the grass and singing along to the guitar? Like my whole life's a festival?
5. If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn? Where can I find a smurf to test this?