Memes go around like wake-up calls

My uncle once: busted his leg in drunken skipping.

Never in my life: have I had unprotected sex. I don't know how people can take that risk.

When I was five: I had an invisible friend called Bella.

High School was: not something I experienced - one of the many reasons I thank God I wasn't born in America.

I will never forget: crouching behind a door in the darkness, listening to John McCusker and Kate Rusby warming up on the fiddle.

Once I met: Matt Le Tis. Whoo.

There's this girl I know: who's afraid of cherries.

Once, at a bar: in Majorca, a guy just came up and asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. A complete stranger. And I was only twelve.

By noon: I'm not always up!

Last night: I ate Indian food.

If only I had: muscal talent.

Next time I go to church: I will try really hard not to be bored or to compare it with the vitality of church in Africa.

What worries me most: *shrugs*

When I turn my head to the right: I hope that it isn't in fact the left.

You know I'm lying when: I just can't hide it in Cheat.

What I miss about the 80s is: my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jeans.

If I were a character in Shakespeare: please don't let me be Hamlet. Better Malvolio than Hamlet.

By this time next year: I will probably be planning my wedding.

A better name for me would be: Doris the New Forest florist.

I have a hard time understanding: geometry.

If I ever go back to school: I'll have to be a teacher as I'm quite old.

You'll know I like you if: I mock you.

If I ever won an award the first person that I would thank is: my parents.

Take my advice: under no circumstances.

My ideal breakfast is: Coco Pops and a monkey cabaret.

A song I love but do not have: "Let him go, let him tarry..." from the war film The Way to the Stars.

If you visit my hometown: you'll regret it. Though the shopping's not bad.

Why won't people simply: make me Queen of the World?

If you ever spend the night at my house you probably won't get any sleep because: I'll be up all night fidgeting.

I'd stop my wedding for: House, M.D.

The world could do without: mushrooms.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the penis of a cockroach.

My favorite blonde is: probably actually light brown. Most blondes seem to be.

Paper Clips are: fun to straighten out.

If I do anything well, it's: talk crap.

I can't help but stand up for: the National Anthem. Jokes.

I cry over: films that aren't even remotely sad.

My advice to my children is: when you're born, come out head first. Saves a whole lot of trouble.